Those I Have Lost
My most recent experience with death was the passing of my father, Larry — Lawrence Marston Garges M.D., Capt. U.S.N. (Retired) — on December 2, 2024, at age 83. My mother, Kathy, is 85 and still living.
Before that I lost my Godson Christopher Maurice Noonan (2017); family friends Dick & Rosemary DeKlotz (2014); my father-in-law Roger Allshouse (2010); my friend Dick Rasmussen (2000); my Aunt Dixie Mulvaney (2000); my friend Joanne Rasmussen (2001); my grandmother Mimi — Kay Mulvaney (1991); and my grandfather Papa — Jack Mulvaney (1978), from whom I received a pocket watch and rosary after he died.
That is ten people. I talk about death every day as an estate planning attorney.
Why Mortality Awareness Matters
I try to take what I learned from my mother — who cared for dying cancer patients for decades as a nurse — and apply it to my work: helping people focus on what is important, let go of what is not, and have a good death.
More than two thirds of people don't want to think about death, and don't do any estate planning. The consequences on the relationships of surviving loved ones can be dire. I congratulate my clients on being in the minority of people who are concerned about their surviving spouse, children, and other family and friends.
I think that some mortality awareness — some mortality salience — is a good thing. Too much can be depressing, but some awareness can make people kinder and more grateful, and help them live more in tune with communicating with and caring for the people they value most in the world.
To be aware of one's death is to be selfless, literally. One's self no longer exists, so the self of the deceased has no needs, wants, desires, grudges, or complaints. The survivors go on with the memories of the deceased person. Thinking only of others without concern for yourself is altruism. Thinking about death makes people a little more altruistic — because they are not thinking about themselves.
Thinking about how you want to be remembered — your legacy — can be a good thing. When I saw the rioters on January 6th, I couldn't help but think they were not thinking about their legacies. Nobody would want their grandchildren to ask why grandpa did that and got sent to federal prison.
"Our echoes roll from soul to soul, and grow for ever and for ever."
— Alfred, Lord Tennyson, The Princess: The Splendour Falls on Castle Walls
Matter, Atoms & Meaning
The atoms in the body are endlessly recycled — no matter whether you bury, cremate, water cremate, or human compost. The atoms have been many other things before and will be many more things in the future. Matter cannot be created or destroyed; it only changes form. Matter is the closest thing we have to infinite. If something has no beginning and no end, that is the definition of infinity.
The effects of a person's life on the Earth itself — on animals, plants, air, water, and fellow human beings — is no small thing, no matter how modestly a person lives. Each person's life has incalculable effects. Each person requires the entirety of the rest of the universe and the history of the universe up to that point to exist.
Flowers don't last forever, and that makes them more beautiful. People are the same. Part of everyone is forever — the infinitely recycling atoms. Everything else is a more or less temporary change in form. Some stars last for billions of years; a mayfly lasts only a day. The atoms are the same.
There doesn't have to be an afterlife for life to be meaningful. The relationships we form with our fellow human beings — and showing them and future generations with our actions that we care about them and the opportunities they have — is meaningful. If this is all there is, then there isn't anything more important than how we treat each other and all life and resources that surround us.
On My Father, Larry
When I heard that my father Larry had passed away, I thought of the things that bothered me about him being gone. When I thought about why these things bothered me, it became clear that the things I don't like about myself — that I saw in him — were the things that bothered me the most. I felt some relief that there would never again be any judgment or criticism from Larry.
Larry was a medical doctor who practiced solo. He was not very good with money and underperformed financially. He made an above-average income because he was an M.D. — so compared to the general public he was doing well — but compared to other doctors his age who did as well as he did in school, he probably made half of what the best performers did. This bothered me about Larry for some reason. Now I know the reason. I am a lawyer with a solo practice. I make above-average income compared to the general public, but compared to other 56-year-old lawyers who graduated in the top 20% of their class, I probably make half of what the best performers do.
Thankfully there are differences between us in areas that are important to me. Larry was married four times. It bothered me that he married four times, and I wondered what that meant for me. I have been with my wife Sara for over 20 years, and I feel very grateful for that.
My mother, Kathy, as a nurse at the VA hospital, did not judge the veterans whose health was often worse because of their excessive drinking and smoking and lack of self-care. Kathy took care of the veterans and didn't make them feel any shame. I try to do that with my bankruptcy clients in particular — who have often made poor financial decisions. It doesn't matter what has happened in the past. The important thing is to get the fresh start and to use it well.
I tell clients their situation is like a chess game that has been played partway through. You can't do anything about the previous moves — just study the board, analyze where the pieces are (not where you want them to be), and make the best next move. Keep doing that. Making the best decision you can under the circumstances builds self-esteem, no matter how difficult the situation.
Being Fully Present
Paradoxically, humans are at our best when we are aware of our mortality and at the same time forget it — and focus completely on the here and now. If we are focused on the afterlife, we are distracted from this life.
Being fully present, aware, and attuned in this life is prudent regardless of whether there is an afterlife — because certainly that way of being improves the afterlife, and if there is no afterlife, then being that way improves living on Earth.
Caring action about everyone who has ever lived, everyone who is living, and everyone who will live is participation in the grandeur and mystery of life. Meaning — as sense, significance, and context — is found in such participation, loving kindness, and involvement. To do no harm, to do one's best, to make a positive difference in the lives of others, to be safe, healthy, at ease, and happy doing good in the world: that makes sense, is significant, and gives context to our lives.